Fun Box Monster Podcast

This is a story about those horrible unrepentant killers with dangerous powers, but now one of them is a Scanner. 

When little Sam is only a lad, he watches his Scanner father have a complete psychotic break and get gunned down by the police. Standard operation procedure kicks in here and the responding officer takes the kid home and raises him as his own. He's such a positive influence that the kid grows up to be a cop himself. 

Cut to years later, some escaped villains from a Superfriends episode are brainwashing ordinary citizens to kill policemen. Now Sam has to break his promise to his father and go off his anti-scanning medication to take down these insane cartoons. Will he be able to stop them before he loses control? Will he go crazy like his dad, and grow multiple tiny adorable heads on his regular head? 

So join Matt an Tristan as they venture down a filthy steam tunnel and into the hippy apartment that is 1994's Scanner Cop!

     In this unofficial, pseudo-sequel to Hell Night we again have a co-ed legion of doofuses locked in a fake haunted house to earn the right to join a fraternal organization. But this time, they remembered that they were making a horror movie, so they added blood, nudity and Brad Dourif, all in enough quantity to more than make up for the previous film.

     Also… they had just watched Evil Dead 2 and would very much like you to know that they are aware of how badly they’re ripping it off, but that this is an homage so quit being snarky. 

     So grab your Valu-Rite Necronomicon, your Etsy artist Kandarian Dagger, and your sexiest mannequin as Matt and Tristan talk about the movie that Brad Dourif's agent signed him to A YEAR AFTER RETURN OF THE KING!?! The Hazing. 

 

Wow. This slasher couldn't have been softer if it was made for the Disney Channel. Made by a porn director and there's no nudity. Made with had the star of the Exorcist but barely had a single effective scare. They even had the star of Rock and Roll High School, and yet I didn't see a single Ramone.

The sad part is that if you watched a half-hour reel of the greatest hits of this movie, you'd think it was the  best horror movie ever made. Sadly, the rest of the movie is just boring kids either sitting and talking about nothing or walking silently.

So grab your high test cable and winch set, twenty thousand candles, and a fist full of quaaludes and join Matt and Tristan for the slowest movie this side of Warhol's Sleep, Hell Night. 

Get ready for this summer's hottest new video game! YOU play the role of Satan's Little Helper, an incredibly stupid child who's feigned inability to distinguish fantasy from reality will probably get him off the hook for all the atrocities that he will soon take part in! Rack up the points by killing boyfriends, poisoning BMX ninjas, and marrying your sister! Be sure to look out for the shopping cart upgrade! Now you're playing with power! 

So grab your best painting cat, a few rolls of packing tape, and a pastry crimper for some reason(?) and join Matt and Tristan on a Halloween murder spree that will leave you with numb thumb of the brain, Satan's Little Helper. 

Little Jamie has always hated Halloween. No matter how much her adopted family tries to ply her with multiple scooped ice cream, she won't budge on the matter. She's simply too busy with her schoolwork and photo collecting to think about Halloween.  Rachel is seventeen year old about to give up on love. When a surprise visit from Jamie's unconventional uncle sets the family on their toes, he changes the way little Jamie looks at Halloween forever, and sets Rachel on a collision course with love among the pumpkins.  Join Matt and Tristan for a story of love, loss, and having your brain gouged by a maniac's huge thumb. 

Stay with me here. There's this mirror, right? It's got a demon in it. The witches of Salem used to use it, but literally all it does is seduce people and ruin their lives. It doesn't explicitly grant wishes, but clearly there's a wishing element. You can't ask it for stuff or bad things happen. You certainly shouldn't have sex with the demon that lives in it. That's a big no-no.

Our story begins when a copyright infringing version of Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice moves into a house that's haunted by a demonic mirror. Her mom has two shitty dogs, and some severe psychological issues resulting from her husband's unexpected death. She and the Tim Burton lawsuit child are drifting apart. Copyright infringing Lydia enrolls in what looks to be a BILLION DOLLAR SCHOOL. In between classes in water polo, tennis and money fights she gets bullied, sexes up a mirror demon and then goes full on Carrie on the school. (Mostly on the only people who actually care about her.) It all ends with a very blue house full of blowing paper. 

So get ready for dead dogs, Karen Black, some by-the-numbers kills, and join Matt and Tristan for one of the better low budget Carrie rip-offs, Mirror Mirror. 

 

Honestly, any attempt to describe this movie would be pointless. You have to see it. Yes. It is very slow. But, Bill Paxton is in it.

Sure, it centers around a bunch of obnoxious rich kids who are also very stupid. Counterpoint: Bill Paxton.

It would further be correct to point out that if given any small amount of scrutiny the plot completely falls apart. To that I would say... Bill Paxton.

So join Matt and Tristan as they talk about the most Bill Paxton horror movie allowed without a prescription, Mortuary. 

Sometimes when you make a funny podcast about schlocky movies, you run across a movie that is...kinda perfect? Maybe the most underrated slasher ever? I mean there's some silly stuff...a guy does pull a hundred pound fish out of the water as part of his wooing of a lady. That was fun. But goddammit, this movie ruled. Sorry I'm so late to the party on this. Join Matt and Tristan as they have very little to complain about in a movie that I still can't believe I had never seen until now, Just Before Dawn. Also, I just quit caffeine, so yeah. My brain isn't firing on all cylinders for this one.  

Hail, hail to the college days with the Fun Box Podcast. This week we're talking 1989's Rush Week. When a young journalism student notices co-eds vanishing, she becomes determined to unmask the killer, but long the way, I think she's going to unmask some laughs too. It's a collegiate-who-done-it Mcguffin fest from start to finish, but things get complicated when she falls for the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD and starts hanging with his friends THE OTHER WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD who are the heroes. This movie is like Animal House, if Delta Tau Chi was entirely populated by with criminal sociopaths. So grab your human cadaver, a big plate of spaghetti, and set your VCR to double secret probation for the all but forgotten eighties frat-horror, Rush Week. 

You ever have one of those dreams where you're at Cheerleader Camp wearing an alligator mascot costume and people are getting murdered all around you? Plus, for some reason seventies teen sensation Leif Garret is there? And that big guy from Roadhouse is filming everyone and committing crimes that everyone just finds charming? Yeah. I think I ate some bad clams. Anyway,  join Matt and Tristan as they talk about the greatest hip-hop film since House Party 2, Cheerleader Camp. (Ps. This is not a Pajama Jammy-Jam.)