Fun Box Monster Podcast

Everybody's favorite drooling Dracula, Radu is back and this time he's brought his mom! Radu continues his reign as filmdom's brattiest vampire. He skulks around his dad's house being surly to visitors. He runs to his mom when a girl won't hang out with him. And all he really wants to do is hang around his dad's house rent free, playing with his Bloodstone. Honestly...sounds pretty great. We start out the podcast with Matt being an unbeliever in the beauty of Subspecies, only to win him over to the side of goodness and sanity when he finally realizes that these movies rule. You could say he was...Raducalized... YEAHHHHHH!!!!!! Join Matt and Tristan as they delicious bowl of Romanian ghoulash that is, Bloodstone : Subspecies 2! 

Special thanks to Ted Nicolaou for his contribution to this episode! (We will have issue three of the magazine with our interview out soon!) 

When an ancient tome full of evil doodles is delivered to a sexy co-ed house cleaning service, nudity ensues. At first they're menaced by a buffer, more poorly drawn version of a Tex Avery style wolf, but he's really a demon I guess. I mean, we see him as a cartoon, maybe because he was a drawing in a book? Not sure. Luckily he turns into one of the co-eds pretty quickly so we don't have to think too much about that. And hey! David Carradine is here. That's pretty fun right? He's like a bad guy, but really the good guy.  I mean, in the end he doesn't really exist and neither does the monster, so I guess he's kind of a neutral character? He's dressed like the Quaker Oats guy, and causes all the problems but also fixes them. Also, as I mentioned, he apparently doesn't exist. Also, Dick Miller is there.

So grab your finest bottle of Boone's Farm, put on your most revealing night-dress, and join Matt and Tristan as they read from the Great-Value brand Necronomicon that is, Evil Toons. 

When Annie leaves her abusive boyfriend, she heads over to her friend's house for solace. Little does she know, this house... is a witch house. Or Witchouse. Whatever. It's really more of a witch-apartment. Or Witchapartment. On the plus side, it has a witch hot-tub. Or Witchotub.  Anyway, they get drunk and summon an evil witch. Like you do when you're on the rebound. Witch is mad. Witch kills people. Yadda Yadda, big twist ending.

So throw away your sports bras, grab your Sony Hi8 camcorder, and put on some inexplicable hillbilly teeth as Matt and Tristan explore the two bedroom, one bath, beachside horror with great western exposure that is, Witchouse 3. Now "wit" more "chouse."

When pop-star Kate and her son Jason move into an antebellum home with a horrible history of slavery, murder, and voodoo curses to live with her lover and ex-psychiatrist, things SHOCKINGLY go poorly.  Between demon possession, murderous pigeons, a haunted piano and a hanged muppet, this movie delivers on all fronts.  So put on your "Beat of the Heart" record, get yourself a big ole' head-zipper, and join Matt and Tristan as they smash themselves over the head with the offensive lamp that is Scared Stiff. 

Featuring a murderous lawyer masquerading as a murderous coroner, an actress from Sex in the City, and a machine whose sole purpose is to make people into spam-cubes, Doom Asylum truly is the Citizen Kane of abandoned New Jersey slasher flicks. When Kiki and her friends go to the local abandoned asylum adjacent to the site of her mother's grisly death, the lawyer-cum-coroner kills them off one by one to impress Kiki, but only because he thinks she's her mother Judy. Why any of this would impress her is unclear. But hey, it's got punks and gore, and probably a serious black mold problem, so -- win/win?  Put on your favorite Tina and the Tots record, wet down your baseball card collection and stick your face into the vat of caustic acid that is 1988's Doom Asylum. 

When famed IC Comics artist Colin Childress summons a demon from hell by using art references from what appears to be a copy of the Necronomicon made by local kindergarteners, he smartly sends it back by burning the art that summoned it. Unfortunately, being a bit of a klutz, he also burns himself alive in the process. Thirty years later, Childress super-fan and up and coming comic artist Whitney decides to enroll in an art school that occupies the exact building where Childress died. In an attempt to make "THE ULTIMATE MONSTER" she summons the same demon, and it eats its way through the small group of art students who are living in the house.  Join Matt and Tristan as they dwell in the cellar that is...Cellar Dweller. 

Definitely in the top five of anyone's list of Vampire-Westerns, Sundown : The Vampire in Retreat is the story of a neglectful husband who is too obsessed with curing disease and helping the stupid sick and suffering to properly bone down with his wife. She responds by having an affair with a vampire. This vampire then hires the husband to work at the local blood factory in hopes of murdering him and taking his wife for himself. Also, there's a daughter who's obsessed with vampires, who may or may not be his daughter, and also may have psychic vampire dream powers.  Also, there's a town run by Vampires where a massive civil war is breaking out between people who want to be nice and drink artificial blood, and those who want to eat people. Extra points are awarded for surprise beheadings and people exploding. Plus, it's a western with lots of shoot-'em ups, and Bruce Campbell plays Van Helsing. Join Matt and Tristan as they put on their special vampire loin cloths and climb into David Carradine's secret coffin for, Sundown : The Vampire In Retreat. 

Papa Roach probably said it best when they said, "Wait...why do we only get 2 drink tickets? Are we even getting paid for this? Come on. At least give us gas money. This is the worst Chuck E. Cheese we've ever played."

When a child who may be named Timmy or Tommy (I don't have the energy to figure out which) gets caught assembling a nudie puzzle by his mother, he overreacts, just a tad, and kills his mother with an axe. Having learned all he knows about women from his sexy jigsaw puzzle, he does the only thing he can think to do. He cuts her into small pieces with a carpenter's saw.  40 years later, he starts chopping up co-eds because somebody was skateboarding where they shouldn't have. Or something. I'm really unsure about that part. So climb into the water-bed you've just installed in your workout room, crank the Sousa marches, and join Matt and Tristan for the drugged cup of instant coffee that is, Pieces. 

Sisters. Sisters. There were never such devoted sisters. They walk alike, they talk alike and sometimes one of them contracts a flesh-eating virus that renders her visage as monstrous as her sadistic soul, and then, breaking her restraints, escapes her hospital bed and embarks upon a murderous rampage using a weaponized attack Rottweiler and assistance from her insane uncle who is also a priest who then throws a basement corpse party for their birthdays. What a crazy pair!

 

Tristan and special guest Damian Maffei (Haunt, Strangers : Prey at Night) speak over a terrible zoom interface about this movie that is not the same movie as Happy Birthday to Me. But it's close. 

It turns out that the government thought that this dog-infiltrates-enemy-base, monster-hunts-dog weapons program was a strong enough concept to warrant a second go. This time they renamed it the Aesop Project, after rapper Aesop Rock, because he also removes people's eyes when he kills them. This time around the monster is a reused rubber suit from an earlier film, and the star power is Mark Singer, best known from the inescapable TBS stalwart, The Beastmaster. This movie features a driving dog, a living room swing set, and some of the bluest lighting this side of an Eiffel 66 video. Join Matt and Tristan as they splash LA sewer water into the giant open wound that is, Watchers 2.