Each episode, we choose a favorite obscure or semi-obscure horror movie, and run it down, scene by scene filling in plot hole, and connecting dropped story threads where they might occur...
Episodes
Thursday Jul 23, 2020
Thursday Jul 23, 2020
Demons is a cautionary tale about the dangers of skipping class and going to free movie screenings. Also, it's a cautionary tale about not naming your child Urbano Barbarini, which nobody can convince me is not just Italian for Urban Barbarian. When two college girls skip class because a man with a half-metal face gives them free movie tickets, they wind up getting sealed up in a cursed building overrun by both demons and broad stereotypes. Goop flies six ways to Sunday, faces are ripped, fingers eaten, and a dirt-bike katana demon battle unlike any other ensues. What's up with the computerized projection booth? Who's mask is that? Why is there a dirt bike and katana in the lobby? Who walled them in? Why wall anybody in if your whole plan is to overrun the world? Why did the helicopter fall through the ceiling? These and many other questions will never be answered, so just deal with it. Grab your grapple gun, tear off your shirtsleeves, and join Matt and Tristan as they discuss the Urban Barbarian's finest hour, 1985's classic Italian horror masterpiece, Demons.
Wednesday Jul 08, 2020
Wednesday Jul 08, 2020
If you think that this is just another movie about a family of middle-aged murderers, most of whom believe themselves to be children, living on a deserted island, who kill off a group of campers who's plane has gone down unexpectedly while they were on a vacation trip to take their friends mind off the death of her infant son, think again. Featuring, swing murder, children's skipping rope murder, and a basement full of corpses that little Fanny calls Big Dolls, this is not a run of the mill slasher. Put on your best party dress, cram your two seater seaplane with your five closest friends, (Plus, pots and pans, SCUBA gear, three tents, radio, a cooler of beer, food for several days and clothes) and kiss the mummified baby that is 1987's, American Gothic.
Thursday Jun 25, 2020
Thursday Jun 25, 2020
"But who will bring the ice cream?" The innocent words of a young Clint Howard, as he eats a pushup next to the body of yet another ice cream delivery professional struck down by vicious gangsters in a scene that is becoming all too familiar in suburban neighborhoods. In this brave film, we are given a rare opportunity to see the world through the Ice Cream Man's eyes. A world where not every day is a happy, happy, happy day.
Once he has finally left the asylum, which may or may not be run by clowns, Ice Cream super-fan Gregory buys an Ice Cream truck and takes over for the Ice Cream King whom he saw gunned down as a child. Gregory spices up The King's old boring recipes with human remains, live mice and dog's blood. Plus, he makes his own waffle cones right on the truck!
Some kids, a dog, a dad and a floozy all go missing, and everybody in town gets bent out of shape. Look out Ice Cream Man! This town doesn't deserve you! So get a batch of Butter Brickle, (Do you know how long it takes to make Butter Brickle???) a prosthetic forehead (on your real head), and a waffle cone full of the American Werewolf in London and get ready for two scoops of madness with Matt and Tristan as they slow-churn the classic 1995 film, Ice Cream Man.
Thursday Jun 18, 2020
Thursday Jun 18, 2020
In the future, Venice will be a toxic hellscape of mutant monsters and zombie-like crazies with guns. But not to worry. Megaforce, the greatest fighting team ever assembled, is here to protect what I believe to be an abandoned power plant. Many mutants will be dispatched, many dummies will be thrown over railings, and many copyrights will be infringed.
In fact, for more information about the plot and dialog, just go to IMDB and look up the plot to Aliens. It's almost verbatim.
Remember when that middle school class put on production of Aliens, and Sigourney Weaver went and everybody was so enchanted? This is like that, but on a lower budget, and with much worse acting. Oh, and eventually there's a Terminator. So strap on a bunch of little plastic boxes, get on your best chest bursting outfit, and call your copyright lawyer, as Tristan and Matt toss themselves over the power plant railing that is, Shocking Dark.
Thursday Jun 04, 2020
Thursday Jun 04, 2020
If you ever saw the movie Alien and thought, "Why isn't this a low budget buddy cop movie?". Fred Olen Ray has you covered. In what looks to be a 15 minute short film stretched to feature length using scenes of lab guys saying things like, "Shut it down!," and "It appears to have gone dormant." We have our hero shooting kids for stealing halloween masks, stealing alien eggs from the scene of a multiple homicide, having an inappropriate office romance with a woman approximately six-hundred years his junior, and abusing the tough guy cliche of using scotch as a bullet remover. Grab your sexiest bagpiping outfit, and a jam-jar full of deadly poison as Matt and Tristan talk about the 1989 piece of alien fan-fic, Deep Space.
Thursday May 28, 2020
Thursday May 28, 2020
Although the titular trap is mostly forgotten until the end, it does indeed trap witches. Or ghosts. Or the ghosts of warlocks if you're being specific. But not well. And technically it vacuums them up. So, although this may have the same director, same villain, and same premise as the Witchboard movies, I think of it as really more of a prequel to the Luigi's Mansion games.
So grab your beeping ghost-vacuum, the heart of an evil warlock, and drink down your favorite jar of cremains with neanderfucks Matt and Tristan as they spring 1989's classic film Witchtrap.
Wednesday May 20, 2020
Wednesday May 20, 2020
When failing stock broker Brian hits rock bottom after literally failing at every aspect of his life except being hot and having a hot wife he decides to take stock tips from his creepy occultist landlord's ouija board. After his stock purchases lead him to murder a loan shark and his goon, he tries to destroy the board, it electrocutes him, and hijacks his body. Now it's a wacky race against time to get his body back. Join Matt, Tristan, and Nargor and his Cult of Fertility as they dissect the Satanic stock trading romp, Witchboard 3 : The Posession.
Wednesday May 06, 2020
Wednesday May 06, 2020
After a Ouija board (or for copyright reasons, "Witchboard") falls out of the closet of her new loft apartment, accountant and aspiring artist Paige becomes obsessed with solving the murder of a woman who's spirit is stuck in her building because she might have been murdered there.
That's cool and all, but I guess all you really need to know about this movie is that there's a scene in which a wrecking ball kills a hippie and demolishes her microbus.
Join Matt and Tristan as they get progressively entrapped by the off-brand Ouija board that is Witchboard 2 : The Devil's Doorway.
Wednesday Apr 29, 2020
Wednesday Apr 29, 2020
When stereotypical frat douche Brandon whips out his ouija board at a fancy dress party, no surprise, it brings the festivities to a screeching halt faster than if he'd started playing that one Everlast song on an acoustic guitar. In addition to killing the party's vibe, he also summons a dead axe murdering psycho who used to live in the house, all while emasculating Tawny Kitaen's new boyfriend by insulting him while giving Tawny weird limp handed back-rubs. It's a showdown for the fate of her soul pitting the goodness of a dude who only proves himself to not be a sociopath around minute 65, and the evil of a boardgame available at Walmart. Buckle into your Shelby Cobra, set your shower to extra hot, and join Tristan and Matt to enjoy the type of horror that only Parker Brothers can provide, in 1986's classic film Witchboard. TTFN!
Tuesday Apr 21, 2020
Tuesday Apr 21, 2020
When the residents of a small Oregon town Freddy Krueger the local doctor for harvesting hearts to repair his dead wife, lil baby Dr Giggles escapes the murder mob by hiding inside the corpse of his dead mother. He gets caught at age 7 and put into a mental institution where he gets his doctorate in giggology. Eventually he escapes and returns to his home town to punish random people who had nothing to do with his father's death. Join Matt and Tristan as they talk in fun robot voices over Zoom. This one sounds like shit, but it's fun and you haven't talked to another human for weeks. You probably don't remember what people sound like.