Fun Box Monster Podcast

With a name like Chopping Mall I expect one thing. Savings. Rock bottom pricing on name brands. And we get it. Plus, some scenes of robots murdering sexy teens. But mostly savings. So break up your furniture store sex party, set fire to your gas cans, and steer clear of that paint store, because that thing's a death trap...and join Matt and Tristan for Chopping Mall. 

When hunky acrobat Eric's family refuses to sell their house to greedy land developers, they hire that guy from Hack O' Lantern to burn it to the ground with his family in it. His girlfriend survives and tries to go on with her life by taking a job on the grounds where her boyfriend burned to death. She starts noticing on-the-nose gifts appearing around her and starts to suspect that Eric isn't as dead as previously assumed. So get on your stolen Bowflex, grab your toilet cobra, and dig into the body part contaminated frozen yogurt dessert that is, Phantom of the Mall. 

When you're a sexed up teen graduating high school in mere days, there's only one place to go. THE FURNITURE STORE!!! Though our teens try as hard as they can to delay sex by setting up an elaborate game of hide and seek, eventually some does happen. Unfortunately for our teens, the forward thinking owner of Fine Furniture has taken the nontraditional step of letting an ex-con set up an apartment in the basement of his business and when the partying kids start disappearing he's the first suspect. But, things aren't always as they seem, and there's someone else in the building who likes dressing as his victims, and perpetuating hurtful stereotypes. So grab your bondage gear, your sweet dinosaur earrings, and dress up your collection of 500 furniture mannequins for the 1988 classic, Hide & Go Shriek!

This lantern is hacked! (I'm trying out catch phrases. You know, for the kids) When the creepy Satanist grandpa known as "grandpa" brings his son/grandson (eew) Michael a pumpkin on Halloween, he also gives him a magic satan coin, redeemable at any coven for powers beyond imagining. He eventually grows up to be a sullen twenty-something living in his mom's basement, lifting weights, worshiping satan, and dating unbelievably attractive, rich ladies. When the time comes for him to be all he can be for satan, people start getting farming implements buried in their heads. But which satan is the satan that's killing everyone? Grab your devil costume, your power (which is in the blood), and drive your truck full of pumpkins into the rec center halloween party that is, Hack-O-Lantern. 

Now it can be told. Blood Salvage is the shocking true story of the auto salvage industry. Jake is a well meaning junkyard owner who just wants to help people by sharing their organs with needy people and make a small profit on the side. Cruel beauty pageant contestant April proceeds to murder his whole family and never even pay for the repairs that Jake did on her camper. So, sharpen up some knitting needles, grab your poison casserole, and hook yourself up to the industrial life-support system that is, Blood Salvage. 

This week, Matt is off doing Christmas stuff... So horror icon and Black Christmas super-fan Damian Maffei is filling in to talk about Black Christmas and Haunt in a loose, free-form version of the podcast. 

Ho, ho, holy crap. Back in a long ago era where America actually had manufacturing jobs, Harry is a worker at the Jolly Dreams toy factory. As a youth, Harry experienced a real life version of the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and like the protagonist of the song, Harry's experience left him only a few steps from deranged. Those few steps happened as his co-workers took advantage of him, and his company pretended to give toys to sick children. In a mostly (except for a couple of murders) good natured move, Harry dresses like Santa and delivers toys to good children, dirt to bad children, and the occasional axe to the head of someone who in all likelihood deserves it. So smelt yourself some toy soldiers, superglue on that beard, and load yourself into the painted up creep-van that is...Christmas Evil. 

Here's the problem with Christmas. Everybody's so worried about Grinches and Bumbles and whatever, that they forget to look out for the more prosaic horrors, like cyborg children built by an alcoholic Mickey Rooney who build boobytrapped toys to kill kids and get adopted by their moms. Especially, when it turns out that your dad is accidentally killed, and he turns out to not be your real dad, and your real dad turns out to be some weird mall Santa who buys too many toys and spends all day cruising around residential neighborhoods looking in kid's windows, and you get kidnapped by a robot and your babysitter's boyfriend gets fingered by toys and then murdered by an RC car... We've all been there. So join Matt and Tristan for a romp through the winter wonderland that is, Silent Night Deadly Night 5 : The Toy Maker.

When I think Dead Heat, I think of two things. Buff Joe Piscopo and The Asphyxiation Room. Clearly we have zombie cops fighting zombie monsters. Sure. But more importantly, there's a room that does nothing but asphyxiate stuff. No child lock. No warning signs. No emergency exit. It asphyxiates you, and you can just stumble in there when you're looking for the bathroom. It's controlled by some sort of, I don't know, asphyxiation dj? He sits at a panel and hits buttons and faders and I guess he controls the type of asphyxiation you get? Man. So many questions. So, get in your hot convertible, grab your finest fish tank, and melt your self into a puddle of organic mess for the classic 1988 film, Dead Heat. 

Rich people are weird, right? Like, they're just gooier than the rest of us. Knowing just how gooey they are, it should be of no surprise to any of us when they start raising lower class people in their giant mansions, giving them everything they could ever want, then suck out their life force in a ritualistic orgy where they all just kinda blend into a giant ambrosia salad of skin and organs. If this sounds like your cup of tea...(it's a reference.) then grab your never-ending bottle of suntan lotion, your sweet party-jeep, and your best shunting suit, and join Matt and Tristan for the 100% true story of the 1% that is, Society.